Scientists Determine Lake Elmo is 80% Human Feces


After over 12 years of grueling research, scientists at Montana State University Billings think they have finally found some answers.

“This chemical profile has been so evasive, we didn’t think we would ever figure out what makes up this lake,” said Dr. Matt Queen, who heads up the Analytical Chemisty Division on campus. “We really wanted to test this lake with as much science we could throw at it, and that meant using all our senses throughout the process. Even our staff with the most seasoned palates couldn’t crack this one for the longest time.”

According to local lore historian Lenny Howes, Lake Elmo’s makeup has garnered a sort of Stonehenge mythos: “People all know it’s ‘man-made’ or whatever, but do we really know who put it there? I mean, if I had discovered the cure for cancer and didn’t want anyone to know about it, I know I would look for an innocent looking state park to put it in. There’s no way a government protected park this small doesn’t have some secrets, you know?”

Dr. Queen told the Beet, “Now that we know what it’s made of, we’re declaring it officially safe to swim in again, so get out and enjoy it while it’s still hot! Thank God it wasn’t toxic algae though. We were really concerned it would be that.”