Missoula Bans Plastic Razors To Save Mountain Turtles; Residents' Shaving Habits Not To Change

A Missoulian who is justifying his lack of shaving by convincing himself that its doing good in the world

A Missoulian who is justifying his lack of shaving by convincing himself that its doing good in the world

In a push to save the turtles of Montana, the City of Missoula has issued a comprehensive ban on plastic razors. Missoula Mayor John Engen told press “we’re proud to be leading the fight in Montana. It’s about time we banned such useless artifacts anyway.”

UM Environmental Studies Director Phil Condon was the first to approach the Missoula City Council with environmental impact statistics: “97% of turtles in Montana have been exposed to beard and armpit hair because of these razors being thrown away in our garbage. We cannot allow ourselves to continue shaving if it means the subjugation of these innocent creatures to our unethical hygiene. We simply must go all natural.”

In the press release, Missoula City Council admitted the ban to be largely symbolic since only about 4% of the Missoula citizenship shaves bodily hair on a regular basis (as found by a cross-sectional survey of UM students in 2018). UM student Skylee Stark, a philosopy major, praised the decision: “It’s basically the trolley problem, but we have the power to save everyone - we take better care of our bodies by letting them do what they do naturally, AND the turtles get to live!”